Something I wrote a few years back

My Life as a Brunette

Five weeks ago, I decided to become a brunette. I hadn't had brown hair in almost 10 years, and even then, I didn't consider myself a "brunette". It was always light brown. I wanted to see what it felt like. I wanted to actually call myself a brunette.. so after my hairdresser's 5 minute protest, she finally agreed to send me into brunetteland!

I found out some things during that time. First of all, even after having dark brown hair for a full 5 weeks, I still shocked myself everytime I looked in the mirror. I saw myself as pale and washed out, because I had been used to looking at blonde hair for so long. The day after I colored it, I wanted to immediately go and get blonde highlights. I called my hairdresser and she told me to give it a week.

Blondes and brunettes definitely get different responses from other people. Now, personally, I am drawn to people with darker hair. If you put a magazine in front of me and there is a blonde and a brunette on the same page, my eye will automatically go to the brunette. I don't know why.. I guess it's just the way I am. It's also one of the reasons I wanted to try it out.

As a brunette, I found women to be friendlier towards me. It wasn't my imagination. It's true. I don't know if women see a brunette woman as more trustworthy, friendly, or what, but I definitely got a more positive response from females. The opposite was true for men. It was almost like I became invisible. Not that I want men hitting on me, but it was so obvious that most men do prefer blondes. I did have a handful of men at church tell me they liked my brown hair, but for the most part, I would get a shake of the head (like "I can't believe you did that"), an actual "WHY DID YOU DO THAT?" or an "Oh, you colored your hair" response, which we all know means... "I can't stand it". My dad even shook his head at me.

As for my husband, he has always preferred brunettes so he tells me. He did like me as a brunette, but told me that he missed my blonde hair. After all, he married a blonde, right? Soooooo, after living 5 very long weeks with dark brown hair, I am finally a blonde again.

I learned a lot about people and myself while living in brunetteland. I also learned that I never want to go back there. Not because I don't like brunettes, because like I said, I naturally am drawn to them, but because I don't like ME as one.

Looking back... and looking forward

As the year comes to an end, I can't help but be in disbelief that the first decade of the new century is over! Where did it go?

Between the year 2000 and this past year, I have had a living-lobar transplant, kidney transplant, four sinus surgeries, and several other smaller surgeries. I have been very, very sick and also been through several recoveries. Although my health has had its ups and downs, and continues to have these, it has mostly been the ups that I remember.

My daughter has grown from a 5 year old to a 15 year old who is now in high school and is driving. She has shown us that she is extremely academically inclined, and as her personality has continued to develop, we have come to see just how driven, compassionate, and loving she can be. Every year with her has been a bigger blessing, and I can't imagine loving anyone more!!!

Unfortunately, these years have also brought along divorce, heartache, and many lessons to be learned. How thankful I am that God has been a part of all of that, and has brought everyone through this with a greater sense of thankfulness for the things we do have, and continue to receive.

Over the past 7 years, I have come to know many other people with Cystic Fibrosis, and many others who have had transplants. I cannot stress enough how important these people are in my life, and how close our bond has become. Knowing people from one end of the world to the other with this disease, has truly brought light to what others go through, and how everyone has a different story. It has been very enlightening for sure.

I also must reflect on how amazing my long-time friends are, and how, through my struggles, they have stood by me. They mean so much to me, and it feels so great that no matter how often we talk, whether it be weekly, monthly, or every 6 months, it's like we haven't been apart a day. Most of them are in Virginia, or scattered elsewhere, but distance most definitely does not dictate closeness.

My family, including immediate and extended, continue to be a rock for me. They never fail to be there when I need them (or even donate organs to me when I need them), and are always loving and understanding. Having the majority of my family at my 40th birthday party this year, was testament to just how blessed I am, and how awesome they are!!!

Finding my Jason has been a huge part of this decade, and has given me a soul mate with whom I intend on sharing the rest of my life, no matter how long! I am so truly blessed that I have found someone who is always there for me, and is my rock when I need it most. It was rough at first, bringing baggage from both of our pasts into this marriage, but as we continue to grow closer, that baggage seems more distant each day. Loving, laughing, and living seems so much easier with him!

As my struggles continue, to stay healthy and remain physically strong, I am surrounded by family and friends who love me so dearly. How blessed I am to have them in my life. To have YOU in my life. As this decade closes, I want to reflect on the positive things to come this next year, and the years after. I know great things are in store for my friends and family, and how thrilled I am to be a part of it all.

God Bless you all and Happy New Year!!!! XO

Lungapalooza: A Walk For Breath

On September 19th, 2010, the inaugural Lungapalooza: A Walk for Breath was held at Duke University Medical Center. The Lungapalooza is an event to raise money for the Lung Transplant Foundation, a non-profit organization who's mission is "to promote and advance research in order to improve long-term outcomes among lung transplant recipients".

Below is a slide show put together by Amber, a dear friend who has had two double lung transplants, and who was a major facilitator in making the Lungapalooza happen. The photographs were mostly taken by me and by another amateur photographer who works for Duke University's Center for Living.

Enjoy!!!

Lungapalooza from Amber Wesemann on Vimeo.

Brain zaps... no fun at all!

I write this, not so that my friends can laugh at me or question me, but I write it to educate others who are coming off of SSRI's. I am brain zapping so bad the past two days that I want to sit in a corner and cry. I have been on Paxil or Celexa many, many times in the past. Starting 10 or 11 years ago before my first transplant. I have easily tapered down and come off of them when the doc and I agree I'm ready. No problems at all!

The last time I came off of them, I had what people call brain zaps. You know... the things that some docs, some nurses, some lay persons call myths. After a couple of days, these zaps went away, and I wasn't bothered with them anymore.

THe VERY first time that I heard of brain zaps was from my husband trying to come off of Zoloft. He described them as a slight electrocution to the head everytime you try to move your head from side to side, and he also described them of the feeling you get in your head when you have a fever where you can't move your head side to side without getting a tingling/zapping/irritating feeling.

WELL, LET'S TALK ABOUT ZAPPING TO THE EXTREME!!!! I am currently weening off of Paxil according to my docs directions. It has gotten so bad that I just (literally) want to crawl under the bed and hide ... maybe for the rest of my life... I'm deciding. UGHHHH! It's SO bad. I cannot turn my head, I cannot talk, I cannot do anything but look straight forth. I feel sorry for those who's sig. others, family hasn't believed them. I'm so bad now, that J and C KNOW not to come around me. LOL. I am going to try to sleep after I finish crying, but I'm praying these things are gone in the morning so that I can have some kind of social life that allows my daughter and hub into my life again. THis is crazy, this is wrong, and to ANY DOCTOR who doesn't believe this happens... we all should record it.. It's NOT a nice picture!!!!

Please help.. it's so easy! :)

Family Mountain Vaca

TV talk... again!

I did a post about TV shows way back when... http://colormehealthy.blogspot.com/2009/04/tv-and-other-things.html I thought, since some of my shows have gone off the air, and some of my favorites have changed, I'd write another one. As you can tell from my list of shows, I am not into reality tv. There really is nothing real about them, and I just don't find them entertaining.

I'd love to hear the shows you guys love! Feel free to share in the comments section. :)

House - I love this show for the same reasons I did a year ago. Hugh Laurie is still my number one FAVORITE TV actor (followed very closely by Alex O'Loughlin). It's a medical show.. what can I say? Medical is my life.

Fringe - This is still one of my favorite shows, but the recent story-line regarding Peter and the parallel universe hasn't been my favorite. I liked it better when every week was a mystery, and such an enigma that you couldn't figure out what was going on. I will definitely keep watching it though.

Doctor Who - Do I miss David Tennant as the Doctor? You betcha. Am I still watching it? Yep! I do like Matt Smith. As all the Doctors before him, he does have his charm. The episodes are darker than they were when David was the Doctor, and this is definitely more in tune with the old episodes. I'm not crazy about Amy, but like all companions, she won't last. I doubt I will ever quit watching this show.

Criminal Minds - Still a great show! It keeps me guessing every week. I like that. Anything serial killer"ish" will get my attention. LOVE all of the actors, but very sad that they are getting rid of J.J.'s and Emily's characters. Boo on that!!!!!!!!! Not sure who they are replacing them with, if anyone.

Lie to Me - Still a favorite of mine. I think there may have been one episode that didn't interest me. The rest fascinate me!!! If you haven't seen an episode of this, it's not to late to jump in the game. You can quickly catch up. It's all about a team that reads facial features, and gestures to see if the person is lying or not. Pretty useful information in real life too. haha!! I just love Tim Roth in the lead. He has always been such an underrated actor.

Memphis Beat - Ok, here's a new one!! Jason Lee stars as a very skilled detective with great instincts and a ton of musical talent. This show is funny with a bit of mystery! I'm not usually one for "cop" shows, but this is one of my favorite shows now!! :)

The Gates - Seriously? Vampire and Werewolves? Haven't we had enough of those? It's kind of soap opera"ish", which I'm usually not into, but this is a story I want to finish. I do want to see what happens. And the whole "protected community" thing is interesting. I'm eager to see where the writers take this.

HawthoRNe - Who doesn't love Jada Pinkett Smith? Of course the medical part of the show is what drew me in to begin with, but having her as the star makes this show worth watching. I like the drama, the medical stories, the love stories, and the struggle for power that the characters have. Not sure if this show is going to last or not, but I'll watch it as long as it's on.

I'm very, very sad that Three Rivers, Monk, and Eleventh Hour are off the air. I loved all three of those shows!!! I don't even think they gave Three Rivers a chance. Just so glad that Alex O'Loughlin will be starring in the new Hawaii Five 0 this fall. :)

Shows that I never watched before, but am catching up on now are Desperate Housewives (which I love so much, I have bought all of the seasons that are out so far), Dexter, Battlestar Galactica, and Nip/Tuck. Yeah, these are my guilty pleasures!!! All 4 will draw you in, so if you aren't planning on spending your dollars for the copies and your time in front of the tv catching up, don't start watching any of these.. LOL!!!

Ups and downs and all arounds

Hi blogger world! Another lengthy break between posts. I thought I would give everyone an update on the happenings in our lives.

I'll start with my health and get that out of the way. :) Most of you know they found skin cancer on my toe of all places. Yeah, that's what you get for being immunosuppressed. To make a long story short.. thought I was going to have to have it surgically removed, and a skin graft done. Saw a surgeon at Duke yesterday and he seems to think "that would be like putting a campfire out with a fire truck". Hehe. He said it would do the job, but he thought that was way overdoing it. Squamous Cell Carcinoma or SCC can become invasive and in rare cases metastasize, but he doesn't seem to think that I have reason to worry about either of those. For right now, I'm just going to be using a chemotherapy-like cream on it called Aldara. I use it on my face also for some places I have there that look suspicious. I see my dermatologist pretty regularly at Duke, so she will keep a watchful eye on it.

I have been having some swelling for the past month or so. I saw my nephrologist yesterday, and he doesn't think it's my kidney causing it. He ran a few extra tests to make sure, but if I continue to have it, I will need to have some studies done on my heart and liver to rule them out as the cause.

Let's talk about hair loss.. ughh!!! So, you all know I lost most of my hair after my lung transplant, a lot of my hair after my kidney transplant, and that the rATG treatment I had for my chronic rejection back in March was beginning to thin it too. Well, these past 2 weeks have been awful as far as hair loss goes. I'm not so sure why I'm so prone to hair loss when I'm given meds to knock out my immune system. I have friends who have been given much stronger meds, and it didn't affect their hair in any way. I'm frustrated!!!! I really am. This is the 3rd time, and I know if I ever have to get another treatment for my chronic rejection again, it will happen a 4th. I am taking Biotin and using men's rogaine (per my dermatologist's suggestion), but so far, I'm not seeing any difference.

So on to more exciting things... Casey has had a very busy summer. She has been to the beach twice, to Sint Maarten, will be going to visit her cousins in Pennsylvania for a long weekend, and will go with my family to the mountains in several weeks. She is currently in the middle of her driver's ed classes. One week down after today, and one week to go. She gets her learner's permit in November.. YIKES!!!!

She wants to start tutoring this coming school year to raise money for her Spain trip that she is taking next spring. Her father and I have told her that we want her to raise $1000 for the trip, so she has already been saving her allowance. We'll see how that goes. LOL.

Jason is working a crazy shift now.. 11 am to 8 pm. It's really not so bad, because he gets up early and gets things done, and since we eat dinner late anyway, he is home for dinner. Of course it's not the ideal work schedule, but much better than the night shift. We aren't sure how long he will stay on this shift.

We FINALLY, yes FINALLY have our house up for sale. We've had one interested buyer, but haven't heard back again from her. We haven't really advertised yet other than sticking a for sale sign in the front yard, so I'll be getting on that this coming week. We are looking to move about 20 minutes from here, which will be closer to Jason's work, and closer to the school that Casey's current school will be moving to in 2011. Plus, it will get us out of city taxes which will be nice.

My birthday party is coming up as most of you know. We still have a lot of planning to do.. most of all... meeting with our caterer about the menu. I'm super excited about seeing all of my family, old friends, new friends, friends I've only known from the net, etc. What a great time it's going to be. I have to admit I'm a little anxious though, because of my hearing loss. I don't do well in social situations that are noisy because of that. Of course I'll have my hearing aid on, but I'll still struggle with it.

The rest of my family is doing well. My nephew goes to kindergarten this year.. just super unbelievable. The pups are good, and in general.. life is good. I hope it is for all of you as well. XOXO

Random photos:

Thankfulness

As my friend Lori and I sat down at a half-cleaned table in the Duke South cafeteria at Duke University Medical Center, we reflected on the two people sitting at the table behind us. We talked about how weird, amazing, and awesome it was. We talked about the rarity of it, and how there are only a handful of people in the world who could be sitting where we were and thinking about what we were thinking.

Here's the thing.... Lori's mom Sheryl gave her part of her lung when Lori was on the verge of death. Her dad was the other donor. Lori was the 2nd living-lobar transplant done at Duke University Medical Center (I was the 4th), a transplant center known for it's cutting edge medical care. Here I come a year later... dying to see someone who has had a transplant... there were no transplant chat rooms at that time, and I had never talked with anyone who had a lung transplant. A nurse introduces me to Lori, another transplant recipient who received the same type transplant I was about to receive. I was amazed.

Not only at her strength, beauty and courage, but at her nonchalant attitude about it all. I was so happy to meet her and later her sister Shannon, who was waiting on lungs the same time I was. Yes... two sisters with Cystic Fibrosis, one who was post-transplant, one who was pre.

So back to today. Lori and I sitting at one table so we could have "young" girl talk. Our moms, our donors, our life savers, sitting at the next to have adult conversation and talk about the difficulties of having children with chronic illnesses. Lori and I talked about it. We were in awe for just a minute that "we" had part of "them" inside of us.

Life is not only about giving, but also about appreciating the gifts you have been given. Thank you Mom. Thank you Uncle Joey (my other donor). Thank you Sheryl. Thank you Dave (Lori's dad). You are Lori's and my heroes. We love you!!!!

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Random pics

Mish Mash

Hey everyone!!! Wow, it's been forever and a day since my last post. Sorry about that, especially to my Virginia friends. :)

Things have been going well since the rATG infusions. I have been in rehab with a physical therapist who is amazing!!! She has helped me build up my core, and strengthen my arms and legs. It was much-needed... trust me. I still have a ways to go, but we are well on our way to getting me back in great physical condition. Yay!

I had my first follow-up yesterday with my pulmonologist since the rATG. Of course, this included pulmonary function tests to see if the rATG helped improve my numbers. Unfortunately it didn't. :( That's the not-so-good news. The good news is that even though my numbers were down a few percentages, it was still in the "same range", so therefore, I'm not worse. What my doc thinks is that the scar tissue already in my small airways is "damage done". What my doc hopes is that the rATG has stabilized my chronic rejection, and will prevent me from scarring further. Remember, the scarring is due to my own white blood cells attacking the foreign lungs (lobes) in my body, and he hopes the rATG has stopped that. Basically, we won't know until my next appointment in 2 months. He hopes to see that I'm holding steady, or that my lung function has even improved a bit because of continued exercise. He did say that sometimes when someone starts chronic rejection, they start a downward trend and it continues pretty fast. He's not seeing that with me, so that is awesome!!!

I also saw my nephrologist yesterday (kidney doc), and he seemed pleased with most things. He ordered some extra tests to check on a few things he's concerned about, but nothing big. Basically, my kidney function is holding steady, so that's great news. :)

My nephew's 5th birthday is tomorrow. I just can't believe he is 5 now. We are going to Jason's parent's house for lunch, and then on to my sister's house for the birthday party later on. I asked my nephew what he wanted for his birthday, and he said "just a little teddy bear". Trust me, he doesn't need another teddy bear, but it was just so cute how he put it. Casey and I are going today to get him a gift, although I might have to pick up just a tiny teddy bear, just because he asked for it.

Casey has tons of plans for the summer!!! She is going to the beach with her two best friends, going to her cousin's house in Pennsylvania, going on vacation with her dad and step-mom, going on vacation with my family, and then possibly going to a camp with her friends. It's going to be a crazy-busy summer for her, but she's going to have a blast!

Very exciting news... Casey gets her braces off this coming Monday. I will have to post pictures of before and after! She can't wait. It will be just a couple of weeks shy of 12 months since she got them put on, but the orthodontist had said she wouldn't have to have them on a long time.

Jason is well, but not liking 1st shift as much as I like it! I love having him home for dinner, and getting in bed at a decent time. I'm hoping he will get used to it though. :) He's been doing some landscaping, and trying to perfect this house to get it ready to sell... yes, I know I have been talking about this for over a year now, but I think we are finally close. There is just so much competition right now, and very little buying going on, so I really want it to appeal to the buyer. Lots of things with my health have set us back, but I'm not planning on anything stopping us from getting it on the market this time.

I hope all of you are enjoying Spring, and enjoying the little things in life. I know I am! Love to all! XO